faq's - Sexual Orientation

A. The experience of attraction to someone of the same sex can be a positive foundation for many life-enhancing friendships or other meaningful relationships which do not need to involve engaging in sex. Equally, as is the case for sexual feelings for the opposite sex, sexual feelings may pass or diminish with time. Even if they don’t, they do not necessarily have to be acted on in the same way that sexual feelings for someone of the opposite sex do not have to be acted upon. You are still developing emotionally and psychologically and I would suggest that you take your time and don’t rush things. Have a look at the information on our site click here and feel free to get back to us by e-mail if that would be helpful. As in all situations it can be useful to have a chat with an adult at home, a pastoral care teacher at school or your General Practitioner.

Q2. Is someone who is homosexual more at risk of specific sexual infections/diseases?

Someone is not at greater risk of specific infections or medical problems simply because they have a particular sexual orientation, whether that is heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual. Rather a person's own individual sexual infection/disease risk is influenced by their own personal sexual behavioural choices as outlined below.

1. Sexually transmitted infections including HIV can be passed through any sexual relationship.

2. The more sexual partners a person has and the more casual they are regarding sex the greater the likelihood of contacting infections.

3. Anal sex carries a greater risk of infection than vaginal sex which carries a greater risk than oral sex.

4. Practicing safer sex (proper use of condoms every time) reduces the infection risk. Note that it does not completely remove the infection risk. Condoms can slip or burst and condoms are also more effective with regard to some infections than others.

Q3. I am a 16 year old guy and I have had feelings for other guys for as long as I can remember. Is it possible for me to change?

A. On our web site click here there is a little bit of background information on sexual orientation and sexuality. I am sure you have read that and maybe checked out information from other sources as well.

I don’t know from your letter whether you have only had feelings for guys or whether you have also experienced feelings for girls too. Sometimes as one is developing things can change and sometimes during puberty there can be an uncertainty about sexual orientation. The majority of people would eventually identify as heterosexual, some would identify as bisexual and a smaller number as exclusively homosexual in orientation.

I suspect from what you say and given your age you are fairly certain that your orientation is exclusively homosexual. Am I right in that presumption?

Working through orientation can be quite a struggle as can the choices around how you choose to live life regarding sexual behaviour given the feelings you have. Not all close and meaningful relationships have to involve sexual activity.

Regarding your question about possible change in sexual orientation, certainly there are some people who say they have experienced an orientation change; others say it is not possible and they would say that those who claim such change were possibly bisexual in orientation in the first place. The wish to change from a homosexual orientation most often, but not always arises from a religious conviction.

Ultimately if an individual chooses to pursue change in any area of their life that should be respected as a human right as much as their choice to pursue other lifestyle choices. They may find that radical change is or is not possible through counselling but help in understanding and dealing with their sexual feelings and finding alternative patterns of behaviour if desired, is always available whatever route an individual chooses to pursue. For some young people that alternative pattern of behaviour may be not being sexually active and that pattern if chosen is a healthy one irrespective of an individual’s sexual orientation.

There are many web sites widely advertised for those who choose to embrace a homosexual lifestyle. There are other websites available that may be useful to a young person who is unsure of their orientation or who is seeking to review their sexual choices.

Remember that as with all other areas around relationships and choices it can be helpful to talk to your parent or another trusted adult, someone within the pastoral care team at school or your General Practitioner.

Q4. I am in love, like totally in love, not a crush or a feeling. The only problem is that this person is a girl and she doesn’t know I am a lesbian. I need to tell her my feelings soon before my brain explodes with all my feelings for her. I am too shy to tell her and explain to her.

A. Can I first reassure you that at 13 it is not uncommon to feel this way about someone of the same sex. Often as you are growing up you can feel incredibly strong feelings like this and it is okay! Sometimes the feelings can change, at other times your feelings may continue.

Most teenagers identify with a heterosexual attraction by late teens but some will continue to identify their orientation as homosexual by late/mid-teens.

It may be best therefore not to talk your feelings through with this other girl. By saying you are a lesbian at 13 you may be putting yourself in a situation where you could be misunderstood and hurt emotionally. Society sometimes likes to label us by our orientation rather than seeing each of us as much much more than that. Have you talked to anyone about how you are feeling? Maybe it would be helpful to talk with someone who is older and who you can trust. That might be an adult at home, a pastoral care teacher at school or your General Practitioner.

Can I encourage you not to speak or act too quickly. Enjoy the friendship of as many girls and boys of your age as you can. Relax. Try not to rush things.

Q5. My friend and me have been talking about kissing each other (we are both girls). I don't know how she really feels, or how I really feel, but I would like to see what it is like. I read somewhere that you should try out if you are unsure to see if you are gay. Would you advise this?

A. From what you are saying it seems that you are unsure about your feelings. Experimentation is not the best way to test your feelings. By kissing your friend “sexually” you could cause confusion to yourself, her or others and it might also ruin a good friendship. Relax and avoid experimentation. With time you will have a better chance of understanding your sexual orientation.

Remember in all your choices as you are growing up you are more special and unique than I can ever tell you. Treat yourself and others with much respect.

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